Cost
by AllusionToAnIllusion
Summary: After it was all said and done she was just grateful that he was still there with her, that she hadn't lost him. One-shot.


**This was inspired by the last scenes of the latest episode, 3XK. So obviously it has some major spoilers for that. I hope everybody likes it, I actually really like how this turned out. **

**Disclaimer: I don't, and never will, own Castle. **

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Everything has a cost, especially being a hero. Being the one that saves people's lives, the one that people can count on, the strong one; that has a cost higher than a lot of things. Sure, you're keeping the world safe, saving those who can't save themselves. But there are prices to be paid for the glory, there are costs. You lose loved ones, you watch as lives are torn apart, you deal with people who feel no guilt over taking someone's life. And then sometimes, as hard as you try, you can't save them. You can't save the kidnapped kid, the devoted father who was just walking to the store to pick up Christmas presents or the other cop who went down during a takedown. You can't by some miracle save them all, you have to deal in death everyday; it becomes your trade. She has already lost so much; her mother was murdered, friends taken from her, colleagues she'd passed in the hallways each day just disappeared.

She had begun paying before she even became the hero, the emotionless detective she was today, or at least that's what she portrayed. Her mother was murdered when she was twenty years old, a kid who believed that she was an adult. She'd had a lot to learn, and life had taught her in the cruelest way possible. Maybe her destiny was predetermined, perhaps life knew where she was headed and decided to get a head start on collecting payment. Whatever the reason was, that was the first cost, and the one she'd always remember.

Maybe that's why she'd done it, practically hurtled herself from the car and ran towards the apartment door. Because she couldn't take any more pain, any more loss. Because life had taken so much from her already, it had already collected payment sufficient enough for multiple heroes in the world. She suspected that it was because she refused to let it take Castle as payment, he meant too much. It had already taken one of the most important people in her life, taking another was unacceptable. And so she'd burst through the door, eyes frantically searching the figure in front of her for the rise and fall of his chest, and after it had been confirmed that he was alive, that he wasn't gone, any sign of harm.

"Castle!" Her voice had been a mix of relief and brokenness. She couldn't have taken it if she'd busted through that door to find a dead body, that sight alone would have been her undoing. She had seen many things, some more gruesome than she thought even Castle could imagine, but that sight, the sight of her dead partner, would have her thrown into a deep abyss with no way of getting out.

"It's clear, he's gone. I'm fine, Ryan needs an ambulance." He addressed the situation professionally, rattling off all the things he knew she'd ask.

"No, I don't." She heard a voice say and noticed Ryan for the first time, crumpled on the floor, but she ran to Castle anyway. She knew Esposito was behind her, and he would take care of Ryan. But if she'd been alone she was sure she'd still run to Castle first, it was instinctual, it was a need. She needed to know he was okay, and so as she was untying him she secretly scanned his body for any wounds, any indications that he was in any way hurt. When she found none she couldn't stop herself from letting out a breath of relief as her heart rate slowed to a speed that might be considered normal.

"I'm so glad that you're okay." She whispered into his ear so neither Ryan nor Esposito could hear her. Coming from anyone that was normal, but for her it meant so much more than that simple sentence. She heard the vulnerability and relief in her voice so she was sure he did too. He knew what that meant when it came from her mouth. It was a combination of how worried she had been and how much she cared about him, it was a side that only showed itself on rare occasions to a small percentage of people.

"He's the Triple Killer," Castle explained, "he set Gates up to be a copycat." He didn't acknowledge what she'd said but she could tell he understood from what his eyes were saying. She walked around to the front of him, scanning the side of his body she hadn't been able to see before, no injuries.

"I know, I did the math when you and Ryan didn't come back from talking to Jerry." She breathed in and out, trying to convince herself that everything was indeed alright.

"How did you know to come here?" He questioned.

"Your mom called, she said that you told her that you loved her and figured something must be terribly wrong." She told him, adrenaline still coursing through her body from the memory of figuring out he was in danger; that she had sent her Castle into the lair of a sociopath.

"I figured she might, good girl." He looked away from her, eyes glazing over. He was faraway now, his mind whirring as he obviously went over what had happened and what could have. She realized then that he wasn't completely unharmed, this was his first payment. He would live the rest of his life with the memory of being at the mercy of a murderer, of being only inches away from death. The fear would remain raw even when any wounds healed.

An hour later she was done taking care of everything and found him by the pool. He may have looked calm and contemplative to the average person but she saw through that, she saw the fear and confusion, he was beginning to feel the pain of being a hero. As much as she didn't want him to have to deal with that, to have to carry that with him everyday, she saw the signs.

"Here you go." She sat next to him and held out the freshly brewed coffee from the store just down the street. He always brought her coffee, it was his way of taking care of her. He did it to show that he cared and now it was her time to do it for him.

"Thanks." He said after a little while, taking the cup and going right back to staring at the reflections of light bouncing off the pool water.

"Mhm." She turned away as well, thinking about what to say next. She had something she wanted to ask, something she needed to know. But would he want to answer, would he be able to without reliving the painful memory? No, he probably wouldn't but they had based their relationship on a certain standard of trust and pushing beyond boundaries anyway.

"Tell me something Castle, why did he let you live?" He turned to her, a confused expression on his face, before he seemed to come to a realization.

"To punish me, make me pay for ruining his plan. Now he's gonna kill again all because I couldn't stop him. And I feel so…" He trailed off and it was now confirmed, Castle was paying the price she'd been paying for years now.

"I know the feeling." She told him solemnly, reliving the memories of her own payment. She reached out and put her hand on his knee, resting it there comfortingly. He looked at her eyes and she brought hers to his, they were always good at talking without words. She conveyed the comfort she wanted to give and he silently told her of his thanks and worries. He rested his large hand on top of her smaller one, engulfing it in warmth as their fingers entwined. Normally she'd yell at him for this, but not tonight, tonight she knew they both needed this. It was as much reassurance as either of them would get. Reassurance that the other was okay and that the world wasn't falling apart as each relived their memories. So, instead of pulling away, she stroked his hand with her thumb, tracing patterns on the side of his hand as both of them stared into the aqua water. He had finally learned of the cost, and she had avoided paying tonight. She couldn't have taken it if she'd given him up as the needed sacrifice for being the hero she was, she wouldn't let it happen. The price must be paid, but he would not be what she exchanged.

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**Review? I'd really love it. Even if it's just you telling me about how much you loved the last episode, in fact I welcome that since I absolutely loved it. It was great in every way!**


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